Remakes don't affect me too much (nor should they affect anyone for that matter), because I can just avoid them and pretend they don't exist. Still. Come up with some new ideas, why don't you?
Jaden Smith plays Dre, a skateboarding video game buff who is forced to move to China after his single mother (Taraji P. Henson) is forced to transfer to the China for work. Of course, unable to speak Chinese, Dre finds it hard to settle in, and gets beat up by the local bully. Jackie Chan plays Mr. Han (the Mr. Miyagi character), a maintenance man who spots Dre’s black-eye and offers to teach him both martial arts and Chinese, so he can defend against the students of Li Quan Ha’s Fighting dragon school of Kung-Fu.
Let's not and say we did.
But since they've already started, a few important questions come to mind immediately:
1. a) Will Dre (couldn't they pick a better name?) wear a badass shower costume to a party and get jumped by dudes in skeleton makeup?
b) Will Mr. Han kick the shit out of all of them?
2. Will "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito play at any point during the film?
3. Will someone yell, "Put him in a bodybag, Johnny! Ha ha ha!" during a pivotal moment?
I bet I can answer those right now - no (to both parts), no way and not a fucking chance.
Damn you, Fresh Prince.