Tuesday, June 8, 2010


This might be a two-parter. I'm not sure how long your (or my own, for that matter) attention span is.

Just bear with me. I'm about to tell you a tale.

Last fall, a man called me at work. Well, not me personally, but I was in charge that day so I got to take the phone call. This guy proceeded to tell me that his wife had lost her wedding ring while they were sitting on the patio. It was a priceless family heirloom that had been passed down in his family from generation to generation. It was also a very rare diamond or something of that nature and worth a lot of money. So while it was priceless to him, it was also very, very expensive for anyone else. He desperately needed to find it.

The only problem is that his wife had lost it a month prior to this phone call. She had just told him the night before. On an airplane. After a two week tropical vacation. There was already snow on the patio here.

I told him I'd take a look around and check the safe to see if anything had been turned in, but the chances of it being found were slim to none. When the night manager got in, I told her about the phone call and this she said, "That woman called again? She was up here a month ago and spent an hour looking for it on the patio. And has called every four days since. I'm sorry, but that ring is gone. Or buried under six inches of snow. Either way, there's nothing we can do."

Then I remembered seeing this woman and a friend looking for something on the patio one day as I was leaving. She lost the ring, knew her husband would be (rightfully) furious, but didn't want to say anything because she didn't want to ruin their upcoming vacation. Instead, she hid it from him for a month and opted to tell him on a crowded airplane, where he couldn't make a scene on the way home from what I can only imagine was the greatest vacation this guy has ever been on.

Now I'm sure she felt horrible, but what's the next step after that? Do you replace the ring with a new one? Does this man ever forgive his wife? Does he say he forgives her but resents her a little bit for the rest of their lives?

About three weeks later, I was at Green Street on Halloween (Green Street, if you don't know is a place where only complete douchebags hang out. It was Halloween and we thought it might make for a funny/slightly more interesting evening than whatever else we could come up with). I had been thinking about those questions off and on ever since and as I leaned against the long table against the back wall, I looked over to my right and saw a man's wedding ring. It was sitting on a cocktail napkin all by itself. There were no drinks, wallets, phones, jackets or anything else on the table. Just a lone ring that someone had taken off because he probably wanted to cheat on his wife without looking like a complete asshole.

So I took it.

I picked it up, put it in my pocket and left.

The way I looked at it was, if this guy is going to be enough of a prick that he leaves his wedding ring unattended on a table at fucking Green Street while he tries to hook up with drunk college girls, he deserves to explain that to his wife. On the way to my car, I saw a homeless guy and gave it to him. He probably pawned it two days later for heroin or beer.

Both of these stories got me thinking a lot about marriage and how I have no real desire to take that plunge any time soon.

But more than anything else, the biggest reason I don't think marriage is in my near future?

Because I fucking hate reality television.

Sure, I've lost a few hours here and there to Road Rules/Real World challenge just like anyone else. But just about every other reality show on TV I cannot stand. And it's come to my attention that once you're married, that's what you do. Your life ends up revolving around which show is on what night.

I have a lot of married friends and I support them with all my heart. I'm glad they found what they were looking for and hope they stay together for a long time. And I hope none of them ever take their wedding ring off and hide it at a bar or lose it and wait a month to fess up to it.

I also hope they all stop telling me what happened on Dancing With The Stars last night. Or who they picked to win American Idol or The Bachelor. Or asking me if I caught last nights episode of The Biggest Loser. I didn't see it. And I don't care who wins.

Surrendering my life to reality TV is the biggest obstacle between me and a Happily Ever After. Well, that and a few other things. But one step at a time, right?

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