Monday, December 1, 2014


How much can we get out of a 96 second movie trailer? A lot.

As I was looking at Twitter after I woke up on Friday morning, I started seeing screencaps of a newly released movie trailer. I'm still trying really hard to only watch trailers at movie theaters, but sometimes I can't resist and watch them at home. I'd already seen so many stills and GIFS, that I gave in.

I've already watched this thing like 15 times, but let's go ahead and do a hard analysis of the trailer for Carmen Electra's new movie, LAP DANCE, and just try to figure out what everything means.

Now that you've had a chance to watch it, let's get right to it.

First, there's that iconic Texas sky that we all know and love—because it played a very important part in the FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS TV series.

Next, we get our first glimpse of the person we'll be spending this journey with: Ali Cobrin. Notice that Ali Cobrin is NOT Carmen Electra who, even though we've collectively forgotten about her since she's 15 years removed from popularity, gets top billing and is the face of the movie. Nope. Cobrin doesn't have a long history of acting credits, but you may recognize her from that one time you watched AMERICAN REUNION because you were bored.

Remember, this is a trailer and not a teaser, so we have to get a few actual plot details. This is where we find out that Cobrin and her boyfriend need money because he hasn't sold his script yet, her father is dying of cancer AND there's a dreaded yellow foreclosure notice on their front door. 

What's a girl to do in this situation? Well, start stripping of course! Because it's super easy, and as MAGIC MIKE taught us, strip clubs will pretty much hire anyone that wanders in off the street looking for money.

Now we're getting somewhere! Stripping is a great way to make money, and Monica's only going to try it for a week, so it'll be no problem. But as the trailer will soon tell us, "Fast money comes... At a dangerous price." Also, we're now exactly halfway through this thing and we haven't even seen Carmen Electra yet!

Oh. There she is. Okay. We're good. By the way, this movie is also based on a true story, which basically means that nothing nearly as dramatic happened. In reality, this girl probably got a job at a strip club, made pretty great money and went on living her life almost exactly the same as she had before. But that's not exciting. You know what is exciting?

A Ron Fucking Jeremy cameo! Now we're getting somewhere, and that somewhere is "generic trailer notes." At this point, the narrator tells us that "It's the money that brings girls in. It's the attention that keeps them coming back."

The rest pretty much hits all the beats it's supposed to. There's tension in the relationship, Monica admits that she's lost control, blah, blah, blah, swelling music, montage of possible girl-on-girl action, lens flares, and BAM! The title pops up and it's all over.

That was an intense minute and a half, wasn't it? Well don't worry, because we don't even have to wait that long to actually see this masterpiece.

It'll be released this coming Friday. Whether or not it will be in actual movie theaters remains to be seen. 

But in 4 months or so when it pops up on Showtime at 3 AM, just when you've just finished binge-watching HOMELAND for 6 hours, you can watch a few minutes of it. All the best parts were probably already in the trailer though. Except for maybe the nudity.

Wait. Did you think I was going to be writing about the new STAR WARS trailer? Oh. Well. Shit. Sorry everyone.

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